I literally can not make this stuff up.

Couldn’t do it if i wanted to.

(I wouldn’t want to make this up btw i don’t even cardio and my elbow hurts now)

But here we are, again, for story time.

So I’m in the pasture tonight putting more feed in the creep feeder for that calves.

As I’m sitting there watching — taking it all in (because I’m a cattleman now and this is what cattlemen do), I notice one of our bulls who is almost a year old is out of breath.

I’m like — ok dude, chill out, I know it’s fun to breed but take a breath.

Kidding.

Kind of.

Anyway, I make my way down to the water to fill up their troughs and I get a front row seat to our bull, Duke, DDT’ing the bull calf.

No joke.

Then he starts head butting him on the ground.

I’m like, nope, this isn’t ideal.

I go to get Hillary and tell her we need to move Bryce in with the steers.

We’ve been needing to do this anyway but I’m not kidding you when I say this bull is Houdini.

Can legit get away from anything.

We start working him toward the gate and he starts making his moves.

Hillary is driving the side by side, and I am on foot, naturally.

He makes his 5th juke in a row and I slip. I went down HARD.

Full on face plant.

Gotta be the shoes.

Anyway, we get him to the top part of the pasture (after about 15 more minutes of me running and Hillary putting around in the Jeep as Cale calls it).

Our plan was to get him to the drive way and walk him down to the barn where the steers are.

We had it pretty blocked off down there so it should have been straight forward.

Until it wasn’t.

He made it to the driveway alright. AND WENT THE OTHER DAMN WAY.

I get behind him going slow not to spook him toward the road.

It’s dark. Just so you know.

He starts to speed up.

So I speed up.

Next thing I know Bryce the bull calf and I are sprinting on the main road.

A running with the bulls Porter edition if you will.

I caught him somehow.

I really don’t know how tbh.

Might try to race Usain Bolt later idk.

I told him to “STOP”, and bless his soul he stopped, turned around and went back in the driveway.

It wasn’t over yet, though.

Instead of going down the road like a normal cow, he went left into our driveway and in the yard.

All the while I’m yelling at Hillary bc idk what the hell she has going on I just know I need oxygen real bad.

We make it around the back of the house and he goes on our patio.

Clickity clacking right along like a pony in the parade and then he heads down the driveway and back to the road.

We are on our way now.

Hillary is trying to talk to me.

I’m trying to breath.

Nothing that was said made sense.

We get to the end and Hillary said “what’s our plan”, I said I just want to breath.

But I had to sprint.

Again.

Because he was going to make it into granny’s yard if I didn’t. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I pull even with him and keep him out of the yard but I’m having to hurdle flower beds and duck under trees.

We are literally 50 feet away from the goal now.

And guess what.

HILLARY DIDN’T OPEN THE GATE TO COMPLETE OUR FENCE TO THE STEER PEN.

Of course he made it through the hole.

OF COURSE HE DID.

Hillary chases him like a wild woman in the yard, by the pond, around the A Frame.

Jessica and Jason come out ready to help because they know what’s going on by now.

Either a calf is out or we are having a raucous prayer circle around their house.

They get behind Bryce and I stay between the pen and where they are.

Thank God they came out because he FINALLY went where we wanted him to.

I’m so tired now because I never cardio like that on purpose and I’d rather be asleep now but my feet are cramping because I’m almost 30.

Anyway.

I drank some Gatorade and I’m going to sleep now.

Thanks for reading my incredibly wild, and 100% true story.

Kthxbye

If someone wants to start a gofundme for a GoPro and helmet mount I swear I’ll wear it.